Americans were saddened to hear of the death of the Reverend Billy Graham who died February 21st. They, like Graham himself, were surprised when it was reported that Mr. Graham, often called “America’s Preacher” was sent to hell.
Despite what Graham and his parishioners once believed, the ordained Southern Baptist minister will suffer an eternity of inescapable torture and unrelenting torment.
The charismatic and influential evangelical preacher assumed that he would be among those saved but was “shocked” to find himself among child molesters, dictators, rapists, musicians, murderers, and terrorists. “I lived a life of piety and walked in the footsteps of Christ” said Graham as he was being flayed with a barbed trench knife before the Sea of Wrath. “It just doesn’t make sense!” the Protestant minister wailed.
Graham, the son of a North Carolingian dairy farmer rose from modest beginnings to liturgical superstardom and is often cited as being the most influential clergyman in recent American history. Graham held an audience with 12 American presidents from Truman to Obama and was a close confidant of Queen Elizabeth the II. These factors, Graham and followers believed should’ve been enough to solidify his ascension into the kingdom of god but they were all mistaken.
Graham said “I followed the good book, led others unto him, I never strayed from my wife and fought all homosexual urges….now look at me. I’m being sodomized by fire imps with a red hot lance!” said Graham while being sodomized by fire imps with a red hot lance.
“My advice to Mr. Graham” began a nearby Rev. Jerry Falwell “the quicker you accept your fate, the easier this all becomes.” said just before he dropped trough and bent over in preparation for a daily torture regimen which today involves razor wire lashings and an anal force feeding of carnivorous eel worms. “It’s just another day after you get used to it”.